"…one night, God penetrated my sorrow and hushed my accusations." 

He began with the words, "You really should sit down." My response was, "No! Tell me what’s wrong! The look on his face was all that needed to be said and without saying a word, I was instantly a puddle of tears and a wash of emotions. I was not prepared to hear the word - "Leukemia". I didn’t even know how to spell it...and I wasn’t exactly sure of what it was. All I could say was "oh no, I love you too much, no!" I was not the strong tower my husband needed me to be. All I could do was ask, why? Why, after 3 years of struggling with infertility. Why, 6 weeks after the birth of our newborn son. Why, 4 days after major surgery....why? Hadn’t we been through enough? Why couldn’t we just enjoy our new baby and be happy, why God? At that moment, I immediately questioned God’s goodness and love. My spirit was wounded and my faith was weak. I felt forsaken and hopeless. I didn’t want to pray and I didn’t want God. As hard as it was to hear, Leukemia was now a part of our vocabulary and existence.  

Later that same night, we packed all of our things and with baby Andrew, headed to Baptist Hospital. Ironically, days earlier, I had been the one in the hospital having gall bladder surgery. I was the one always sick and Andy was the always healthy. During my recovery from surgery, Andy, took care of all my needs, including helping me sit and stand. Because of this, Andy would develop an intense, unexplained sharp pain in his side. Eventually, the severity of the pain would send him to the doctor and on the same afternoon, he would be told, in the unfamiliar office of a stranger, it was Leukemia.. Sadly, he would also endure the excruciating pain of a bone marrow biopsy without the benefit of pain killers or sedation because he wanted to drive home and tell me the news face to face. Even now, it’s a demonstration of love that leaves me stunned and in tears.

After our midnight arrival to the hospital, the reality of all that was happening began to hit me like a brick wall. I didn’t want to be a part of this journey but I also didn’t want to leave my husband. I was paralyzed with fear but also motivated by love. As we stepped onto the 8^th floor, Andy was quickly taken to the cold, sterile surroundings of his hospital room. As soon as we arrived, the hospital staff quickly sprang into action. As each person came into the room, I became increasingly overwhelmed with a crippling anxiety that was raging in my soul and fueling my constant tears. Charles Spurgeon once wrote, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrows but only empties today of it’s strength." Strength was nowhere to be found. My constant sorrow was all I could see. My constant grief and the fear of possibly losing my husband, was all I could think and feel.

Within the course of 24 hours, everything in my life had changed. I stood before God and accused Him of being unfair, unloving and unconcerned with our situation. Until one night, God penetrated my sorrow and hushed my accusations. This particular night was unusually calm. On previous nights, Andy’s room was constantly filled with hospital staff, as well as friends and family. However, on this night, miraculously, everyone seemed to be somewhere else. Our friends and family had left, and even baby Andrew was enjoying a change of scenery and spending the night with grandparents’. Andy was taking a nap and for the first time, the room was calm and strangely quiet.

Then in the stillness, I began calling out to God. My body was weak from striving in my own strength and my eyes were weary from the flood of tears and yet, I was thirsty and desperate to be near my God. I reached for my bible and began to search and seek the Lord.

In that moment, I was finally able to emerge from the smog of self pity and clearly see my Savior with renewed vision and sight. My gracious and loving Father had not abandoned me or Andy! Finally, I realized that He was always there. Even in the moment of my deepest despair, when I was weeping, so was He. He was the calm in my husband’s heart when he heard the word, "Leukemia" and when I couldn’t pray, He was interceding for us with moans and groans. That night, my Savior, motivated out of His deep love and compassion, sang a glorious and beautiful love song. His sweet melodies reminded me of His extravagant love and faithfulness. They confirmed His grace and mercy and they filled and renewed me with His peace and presence. Although, I felt shame and guilt for my lack of trust and failure of faith, He offered forgiveness and understanding. Then, in the peace, I began to sing with conviction and sincerity the words to the song "Do I Trust You" by Twila Paris.

"Sometimes my little heart can’t understand, what’s in your will, what’s in your plan. So many times I’m tempted to ask you why. But I can never forget it for long, Lord what you do, could not be wrong. So I believe you, even when I must cry..."

From that moment on, I began to see God’s strong and sovereign hand guiding each and every situation of my husband’s cancer treatment and eventual cure. No longer did I question, why me, or why Andy? But rather, why not me...why not us? I had experienced God's never-ending grace and if the only thing he ever did for me was die on a cross, I knew, it would be enough, His grace would be enough. In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 it says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Whatever He calls me to go through, I know it will be used for a greater good and for the purpose of transforming me into his likeness. No matter the trial, I know each and every moment will be seen and supervised by my loving and gracious, Abba Father and he will use whatever method necessary to radically change and captivate my heart. At all times, His strength will be sufficient for the journey and ultimately, through my weaknesses, the Lord Jesus Christ is high and lifted up.

Before my husband's cancer, my view of God was small and my love for Him limited and conditional. Now, almost 9 years later, He has given me a new vision of His greatness and my walk and love for Him has been triumphantly transformed. And it all began, with the sweet melody of a love song and with the word -" leukemia".